Painkillers Please!

Right now my mind is in a fragile form of itself and it doesn’t think of anything else than the painkillers. However, painkillers don’t help you with the pain that is in your heart of in your mind I still wish there could be at least one thing that could make me get over what I hate to get through. I hate pain.I don’t feel a thing I go numb when I want to tell you a tale about how hurt today I may be but trust me it’s not about how its about why and still I have no answer. All I know is I like it dark and calm and when that little shine of moon falls over the carpet of dark I totally am into it and lost. I feel myself destroyed and dust is something I don’t want to be a part of so I chose the dark the one that leaves behind no mark. I have never asked much from life but only peace of mind and I try my best to smile all the time and I do as well but I weep too; I don’t know why things can make me sad more than other things can make ma happy being an extra emotional being I have never been able to get over the loss of things I treasure fast. I weep even with the tears of the stranger and even an animal’s pain makes me hurt. Although everyone I know have asked me to grow up all my life but don’t know why I secretly enjoy being the antique piece the one with unique way of feeling things.  Like moon I wish to get over the dark and shine brighter among and within it. Even being in the heart of the darkness I want the shine that makes people dream. Sounds fairytale; but then that’s exactly what my life has been throughout my breathes. I don’t write until am too hurt so u can imagine the state of my mind at the moment. My anger and my emotions are double faced and just how much I hate double faced beings.  When I was a little girl the things taught to me were strange but the most important of them all is “life is a bigtime compromise and no matter what u still gotta live it for the sake of who made u” , and I love my family more than what I have ever known and there is someone I secretly love however hurt I can’t imagine my life without them and neither can I think about leaving them hurt behind my effort in 21 years have always been to make them happy. Everytime that I’ve left my mum hurt I have felt torn apart, I can never put my back at her as it pulls the whole horizon over me like a weight on my heart that’s heavier than what I can hold. My brother, at times I hate her very very much because he don’t miss me he don’t think about me ever once being so far away he is totally lost in his own world and like he has no sister he even says things out of my imagination but I have known him for all my life and I am the only girl who actually knows everything about him. I was with him all the time bearing the toughest of our lives and so I know somewhere at the corner of my heart that he will think of me. I remain all by myself tonight while it rains outside I have been so lost lately that I even wasn’t in senses while finding my way home it was pouring cats and dogs and my mind ran like the superfast express with my eyes glued on nothing.

Throughout my life I have been telling it to myself that remain calm come what may life is short a mistake and a moment gone. I don’t know how I trapped myself in this cage of despair I see no way out and I feel like empty at every end of my damn heart I want to walk away lonely to somewhere some place that nobody comes to seek me I still wonder after a second “will this world miss me?” I have long been lonely and I don’t mind more of being  a loner but am fond of the happiness too I want a little of it everyday somehow to smile and survive in this place called life and just how I will last if I don’t let myself at peace and by peace I mean happy. My words at the moment are out of the hold and its flow is vast so somehow if I forget a fullstop please forgive me I have lost the way of thinking and its all just finding its way out jumping and just overflowing. I am a banker by profession and am among my staff the chirpy one am admired because of the goodness I have about my face my smile and my nature that’s not grown up but on the way back to home I roll to being lonely and the path again goes blurr and then home isn’t somewhere I wish to be. I have loved nature since I was 5 years and I will love to elope to someplace which is full of it and away from world just me with myself. I miss my charm of always being happy ofcourse I smile the whole day through and I make others smile to but that’s just not it. I am messed up and I am an outstanding disaster I am out of people’s understanding and above all am loner I never let people within me I hold my part of pine with myself and no one has ever seen the pain and realized what’s up with my heart and in my eyes there are no marks of my being torn apart and so somehow the world still thinks am doing fine and for the sake yes am doing great only with the help of painkiller. I wish my mum once sits next to me and hear me out before am already out of this world and have quit it. My senses ain’t talking to me right now so I have no idea what am writing forgive me again if I am wrote but this world is a bullshit. And I hate myself for being a part of it .. and so I love my life that I forgive this world and self. I hope someday someone could see within me. Painkillers please. 

" Adorned by the loneliness that the dark brought with it;

I smile along the pain to make it go away 

and then I see her face my mother who is 

My burdens go light and i wish to live it

I get over and I forgive things for being hard on me

and once again with the forgiveness they take the colder side

I hope someday I am free smiling from my heart inside.

Till then be happy with the smile i fake everyday 

cuz nothing will you know about the true part that is pain."