Those who have read my previous article will surely consider me a pessimist full of sadness writer because the fact that I only write when I am down and I don't have anyone to talk to. Today, also happens to be one of the days i would call "I hate my life day". I don't love myself so today I feel like drive fast and get hit; get hit so bad that I never recover. I love my family, I love the man I love, I love everything trust me and I don't care of ho.w they are, as long as I am here I love them irrespective of whatsoever but today happens to be a disaster. I so want to be alone I wish I could just drive upto some place and never be found. I am badly missing something or rather someone am confused. I told my brother I miss him, but is it really him? I just dont know. I could really use a company who could just understand... not just listen for the sake of it and end up telling me "everything is going to be ok!" because dude! Its not. I don't have no trouble with you know the rusted part of life I can survive I can fight I can as long as I wish., But I can't do it alone anymore. I deactivated my facebook and just yesterday I reactivated it back hoping that I might feel good get a company or two. I play swapples all day long when I am not working or not sleeping and thats my 24 hours, yes hard to believe but that is just how it is. Every night I tell myself, I am getting fat I need to lose weight maintain my fitness and decide to wake up early but that dont happen anyways. I have so lost touch with dedication it scares me. Just yesterday my best friend said to me, "Antara, I think you are lost. You have no idea what you want. Anyone comes and hit u hard, you get up and continue walking. Its time you grow up and be mature." I thought a lot's about it, I mean a really lot. I cried myself to sleep for past few days and nobody knows about it except me. I am not happy with my job, a bit obvious they only end up taking advantage of me even there. When they don't want to work or feel lazy, I am always happy to help so in the end am the one with severe body and head ache but still working. My fingers shiver and my palms hurt a lot, I have lost my sleep, appetite and the jolly mood I hate and to hell with my lifestyle its a mess. I worry a lot for whatsoever reason I dont know. It hurts me to see my granma really weak I try to do things for her but my heart tells me "Whats the use now!". And then it hurts, It hurts bad. I miss talking to my mother, She is one person in the whole wide world who can really show me a way, I always listen to her. She is the one I never deny of anything. Where are you mumma I miss you. I pathetically do. Right now at this moment I was to break all the chains the holds the grabs on me that I had for my entire life and seek solace, get lost in a wildlife sanctuary and get eaten by a beast with no parts of my remaining found. I am sick. I have lost the part of me who got the strength to get over. I am tired of being left alone when I could really use a company. I am tired of loving and not being loved back. I am tired of expecting and never having it. I have never cared of what I get though. I know if my people read this they are going to be hurt like hell, they will hate me for saying all of it because it is not accepted on my part.. but I had to do something about it. So I did. And now I want to go, go really away. Amen, may my things and people always be safe untouched of whatsoever haunt them. May they always be happy with or without me, For I will always love them now and always. I need to be alone. So long.
