That little happiness called Life

I'm pretty much an ultra emotional person and my heart gets melting too soon. I trust people easily and I let dem do me wrong my family is too proctective for me and my friends care like anything.. When am out late I get 15+ fluent msgs and numerous calls on my cellfone of which 10 are of my mom and rest of my best friend. Last time that I have known what its meant to be have a tough time was when I was 18yrs old. I am 22 now and all I know is how to be stupid and smile even if someone calls u horrible things behind ur back. I understand dey might be backbiting but I chose dem in my life thats my fault and aint there's. I am bad with making choices but there are some things I've chosed in my life that I am never going to regret. My best friend, the person I m in love with, My family, My mother (although later two aint my choice but they sure are mine). So I've been a little girl for longer than I have known, I must be the eldest sister in d house and they take care of me as am being the youngest. They never gave me a chance to grow up and I never felt the need. I work in state bank of india I earn myself but still it all looks unbeleivable to the world and they end up asking me "how do you handle?". I just laugh. When people start putting their faith in you, you get responsible yourself and I think thats what help me sort out everything. The joy of my life has been in those few people who have kept me like a princess. I started writting this blog because I'm hurt, No its not anyone's fault. I am beaten by how much I will lose if I lose anyone of my people, I have always been taken care of in such a way by each one of them that even being professionaly dependent and secure am totally dependent on them. Even though I've my own life now I can't walk out on them and I can't do what my heart asks me to, I want to do what I am told and purposefully. Its good feeling to see them happy, Its the greatest feeling there is and I wouldn,t want to lose that. I want to tell you a little secret: I am a horrible person inside, I have a cute face but I envy, I get jealous, I have my greed, I am short tempered, I dont think before I speak, I have hurted people who most love me, I have hurted my friends, I let things go when I shouldn't have. I am alone in the home today and when I look around at the house my heart tells me.. My! this home used to be heaven in dose days. Such a big house and so empty. I really wish I could take all that back, but a slip in knot ends up causing death. At this moment I am ready to be scolded but I know when they will scold me I will feel bad about it again. This is pathetic of how someone can be something at a moment and entirely different other moment. You want to know about this girl in my life? Shes the strong girl of mine and shes what on my mind, I have seen things taking corners in front of her. that strong. Shes weak today and I am helpless. I dont get at times what to say.. I am luckless these days. for a few days.. a vacation from happiness. A vacation from life. A vacation to being lonely, away from everyone. But I promise I will be back. By your side Always there.

Whistle me a song;

I have been having the most hollow nights.. Been down with fever for last four days.. and right now I might b at my most sentimental phase.. forgive me!

Tell me exactly why it happens that the person who might most understand u and u think they are ur world and they are for-ever.. just another moment they are the people who least understand u. Oh! I blame noone. God knows I love y'all but I have been lonely for quite sometime now and I don't know which way should I head trust me even the directions doesnt help.

I have loved my work and I don't mind being absorbed into something that keeps u out f the boredom but lately I haven't been much into in , me or my body don't know but I am really weak.. Both at heart and mind i never considered dem apart anyways.. Everyday I feel so at peace when I see my mom trust me it helps like never ever. It strengthns me up to have her in front of my eyes coz I know I have been down. I cnt tell her whats wrong I know she would feel bad abt not being able to help me and I never want her to feel that way. Its been rainning for a while now.. I dont hate rains.. but its really rainning cats and dogs.

I might like some coffee I might like some company.. will you mind having coffee with me? I dont find my friends, I dont find my family, I dnt find the one I love.. Will u for a moment join me? Ofcourse u will and then tommrrw I might feel u are my best friend and again u might leave me for you want space. Amazing how the world recycles. Whatever.

Its embrassing but my friendship day was really lonesome... We went shopping that was the gud part, bought clothes and all star and blackberry fr my brother.. that moment was happiness but next moment when I was on that sofa facebooking I thought "am i not supposed to be out wid my only retards?" . you know what my mind said then.. "Yes, but noone bothers." 

That's life and the tragedy its brings tagged along with the best part it has. It was a pleasure to see one of my best friends sterday, he sure seemed not him but it was pretty moment to have him there just talking to him for after like a month? What? A month.. really? I cnt believe it. 

Someone out there ought to know that I am very very very very lonely without them and all I want them to do is just talk.. talk to me.. I miss you ! why i need dis goddamn words to tell u dont u simply understand? how is it so hard? you have known me fr yrs in my best and my worst and today just why i shud write dis goddamn blog?

Hell yeah ! i am possesive I dnt like to share you and i completely understand that aint right and thats exactly what keeps me ultra quite. I get hurt but atleast u seem fine..

but dont make me do dis for long i might lose it. I aint strong just dont expect me to be... recover yourself and be back.

to the one I love and to my best friends.. to my family and to my cousins.

I love you to death.. and after. too sentimental i understand.. but this is it.

Unveiling the GHUNGHAT

I am a girl lived 21 years around the world in the home with typical cultures and traditions with to do details of a girl, what she should and what she should not. Compromise is a day to day letter in the vocabulary of all the female species like me and everything is decided for you ever since you are born. Because the govt. has put the ban over child marriage or else every girl would be married with a kid now. 21^st century and 21 years I am, I love my family and somehow it breaks my heart to go against what my parents have written in their minds for me but at times there are things I want to do for myself and guess what stops me from doing it? “Girl” tag on my forehead and in my genes. I respect every effort this world has put to mould me up and make me what I’m today but why now do I need to STILL do as everyone else please? Why my education is a lot’s of expense while
my brother’s is a necessity. Why I still have to answer every otherwise question before leaving for places and my brother don’t? Why am I still under the “she doesn’t understand” category even after I’ve my own job. I can anytime start a new life and quit the one I behold at the moment. It pisses me of how I am told to handle my expenses on my own and get married and go away. Why am I so less important even when all dese years I have played my part the best I could by not deceiving what my father wished for me. I being so hurt right now have nothing clear in my head all I see is the things I went through. My being or not being somehow don’t matter and my leaving home will only reduce an expense and not break a heart.

I wish my grandfather was here to support me, he always looked at me more like his boy than his girl he knew I can bring forward a change and taught me like I would be a president someday. He so trusted my ability of being there and then that he never gave up on me whatever be the cost of it. Am told that I earn my own salary so I should stop asking for things; does working make me out of the family? Yes I do earn but the most for them. Why am I underestimated about what I can do for them. I have never let them down throughout my life yet why the GIRL mark on my face. Why the statement “you are a girl learn ur ways”

I am so under the pressure of everything already I see nothing going right everything is a mess around and I am not able to focus on anything particular. The same happened in my final examination of grads. I have lost it actually I cant concentrate. I love my family to death and anything for them but there is a little hope right at the end of my sore heart that someday they might see I am not just a girl I have been the daughter; granddaughter and sister before everything else.. before being a girl and before aiming a goal I have kept in mind of where it might take the future that I have with them. I am proud of being a girl I somehow have the feelings that men don’t I care and always will though this emotion has taken away everything I ever wished for still I somehow cherished my being sentimental. I feel things and nothing wrong with that but this feeling things let me down a several times in my life and what I do today it pays but it doesn’t have me content. Banker isn’t something I wanted to be although I have earned a lots of experience in the field met a lots of people known a lots but still somehow it breaks heart that I am not where I wanted to be as a little girl. This isn’t my dream but this is my life. The ghunghat that they put on me for being a girl will continue to be there but when I have a girl child in my womb she is going to be the one without it and no emotions or feelings would lead her the way she didn’t dream of. I am a girl but I do have  a heart and my cries have gone unheard; I have been cursed for talking loud but however high pitched my words were not heard. 21^st century and still hoping things might change.

Painkillers Please!

Right now my mind is in a fragile form of itself and it doesn’t think of anything else than the painkillers. However, painkillers don’t help you with the pain that is in your heart of in your mind I still wish there could be at least one thing that could make me get over what I hate to get through. I hate pain.I don’t feel a thing I go numb when I want to tell you a tale about how hurt today I may be but trust me it’s not about how its about why and still I have no answer. All I know is I like it dark and calm and when that little shine of moon falls over the carpet of dark I totally am into it and lost. I feel myself destroyed and dust is something I don’t want to be a part of so I chose the dark the one that leaves behind no mark. I have never asked much from life but only peace of mind and I try my best to smile all the time and I do as well but I weep too; I don’t know why things can make me sad more than other things can make ma happy being an extra emotional being I have never been able to get over the loss of things I treasure fast. I weep even with the tears of the stranger and even an animal’s pain makes me hurt. Although everyone I know have asked me to grow up all my life but don’t know why I secretly enjoy being the antique piece the one with unique way of feeling things.  Like moon I wish to get over the dark and shine brighter among and within it. Even being in the heart of the darkness I want the shine that makes people dream. Sounds fairytale; but then that’s exactly what my life has been throughout my breathes. I don’t write until am too hurt so u can imagine the state of my mind at the moment. My anger and my emotions are double faced and just how much I hate double faced beings.  When I was a little girl the things taught to me were strange but the most important of them all is “life is a bigtime compromise and no matter what u still gotta live it for the sake of who made u” , and I love my family more than what I have ever known and there is someone I secretly love however hurt I can’t imagine my life without them and neither can I think about leaving them hurt behind my effort in 21 years have always been to make them happy. Everytime that I’ve left my mum hurt I have felt torn apart, I can never put my back at her as it pulls the whole horizon over me like a weight on my heart that’s heavier than what I can hold. My brother, at times I hate her very very much because he don’t miss me he don’t think about me ever once being so far away he is totally lost in his own world and like he has no sister he even says things out of my imagination but I have known him for all my life and I am the only girl who actually knows everything about him. I was with him all the time bearing the toughest of our lives and so I know somewhere at the corner of my heart that he will think of me. I remain all by myself tonight while it rains outside I have been so lost lately that I even wasn’t in senses while finding my way home it was pouring cats and dogs and my mind ran like the superfast express with my eyes glued on nothing.

Throughout my life I have been telling it to myself that remain calm come what may life is short a mistake and a moment gone. I don’t know how I trapped myself in this cage of despair I see no way out and I feel like empty at every end of my damn heart I want to walk away lonely to somewhere some place that nobody comes to seek me I still wonder after a second “will this world miss me?” I have long been lonely and I don’t mind more of being  a loner but am fond of the happiness too I want a little of it everyday somehow to smile and survive in this place called life and just how I will last if I don’t let myself at peace and by peace I mean happy. My words at the moment are out of the hold and its flow is vast so somehow if I forget a fullstop please forgive me I have lost the way of thinking and its all just finding its way out jumping and just overflowing. I am a banker by profession and am among my staff the chirpy one am admired because of the goodness I have about my face my smile and my nature that’s not grown up but on the way back to home I roll to being lonely and the path again goes blurr and then home isn’t somewhere I wish to be. I have loved nature since I was 5 years and I will love to elope to someplace which is full of it and away from world just me with myself. I miss my charm of always being happy ofcourse I smile the whole day through and I make others smile to but that’s just not it. I am messed up and I am an outstanding disaster I am out of people’s understanding and above all am loner I never let people within me I hold my part of pine with myself and no one has ever seen the pain and realized what’s up with my heart and in my eyes there are no marks of my being torn apart and so somehow the world still thinks am doing fine and for the sake yes am doing great only with the help of painkiller. I wish my mum once sits next to me and hear me out before am already out of this world and have quit it. My senses ain’t talking to me right now so I have no idea what am writing forgive me again if I am wrote but this world is a bullshit. And I hate myself for being a part of it .. and so I love my life that I forgive this world and self. I hope someday someone could see within me. Painkillers please. 

" Adorned by the loneliness that the dark brought with it;

I smile along the pain to make it go away 

and then I see her face my mother who is 

My burdens go light and i wish to live it

I get over and I forgive things for being hard on me

and once again with the forgiveness they take the colder side

I hope someday I am free smiling from my heart inside.

Till then be happy with the smile i fake everyday 

cuz nothing will you know about the true part that is pain."

the darkness of the bright

my heart is stuck; that't not supposed to be the beginning of any article but right now that's my position and i don't have any idea of where i have lost myself. for years i have been the girl who loves her life irrespective of whatsoever wrong has it done to me but today I want to quit it and lose myself to death. I have been so lost for above a week now that I am all dried inside the heart I have. I have lost my appetite for chocolates and that's too shocking because I love chocolates more than I have loved my life in past 20 years. It's a maze that I don't want to survive to, normally I wouldn't give up on such mazes unless I've reached the end of it but today it's just not that way. God knows I am losing and thus he's all quite. Mom has guessed it from my eyes and she often tells me to grow up but if I grow up I won't be her angel daughter anymore. Unlike always today I am not cheerful and while I drive I don't feel the breeze and while I sleep I see no dreams and while I work or eat or take shower I don't sing. I have lost the charm that made me favourite to every person I met till date and I've no idea why this all is happening suddenly. When my life been in it's worst I didn't give up and now when it's not any hard I feel done with it. Though; even today when I see a kid I smile and brush their hairs or give them chocolates. I've learnt from my mother that never harden on yourself because if you can't be with self noone else will want to be with you. I am not my mother's kind self loving but a little and so the ego stays. I don't let anyone tell me that I'm behaving like a loser and my typical dialogue be "there's nothing like that" but deep beneath I know they all are saying the truth. I sure am behaving like a loser for a past few days and that just don't happen to me. This article even is not written with all my heart this is just a piece of my mind that's yelling to death and trying to get it out and just forget about it. I want peace and that's not coming unless this burden of loneliness goes right out my heart. Sometimes when I feel like vacating this place this life the only thing then there in my mind is , will those people who are waiting for me survive after am gone? will they still have someone to make them smile? will they still be happy? will someone still tell them crazy things they might laugh out to? and will someone take my place? My heart says "might be". I have a end to that god has planned for me although I don't really like anything that he planned so far but one thing that I planned my life for myself and whatever path I chose out of compromises or no compromise it was still my decision at the end of the day to do it and noone has anything to do with it I just hope I am not being taken for granted throughout my life and I feel terrible pain at the rate of my heart and my pulse don't happen to be happy and I'm suffocating into a pit called depression.. I am sorry life for dragging you so much but I can't outrun the responsibilities that I have. And that's why my darkness in my life brings along light and the light of my life is tagged with darkness still I accept it for the sake that life is not everyday's tale and who knows tomorrow I might not have one. I bear no hard feelings for noone throughout and am just guilty myself of knowing so many people who might get hurt when I die. I will wish it goes delayed but I still wish to see how it ends.. will it be an accident ? cancer or heart attack? am ready to fight another war with the creator of life. Oops I didn't mean any hard feelings for the one who is watching everything infact I love you to death my friend my god. I just am too excited to meet you soon.. do you hear? and thus even losing to you won't make me sad, but this mother I have, that brother I need, that love of my life... I might not get another like them again so forgive me if I keep you waiting but keep in mind you are where I wanna be you are where I ought to be You are god whom I love above all. and this dark side of my life that you've tagged along with light I hope it doesn't last as I am dying to fast with it. Mercy.