the darkness of the bright

my heart is stuck; that't not supposed to be the beginning of any article but right now that's my position and i don't have any idea of where i have lost myself. for years i have been the girl who loves her life irrespective of whatsoever wrong has it done to me but today I want to quit it and lose myself to death. I have been so lost for above a week now that I am all dried inside the heart I have. I have lost my appetite for chocolates and that's too shocking because I love chocolates more than I have loved my life in past 20 years. It's a maze that I don't want to survive to, normally I wouldn't give up on such mazes unless I've reached the end of it but today it's just not that way. God knows I am losing and thus he's all quite. Mom has guessed it from my eyes and she often tells me to grow up but if I grow up I won't be her angel daughter anymore. Unlike always today I am not cheerful and while I drive I don't feel the breeze and while I sleep I see no dreams and while I work or eat or take shower I don't sing. I have lost the charm that made me favourite to every person I met till date and I've no idea why this all is happening suddenly. When my life been in it's worst I didn't give up and now when it's not any hard I feel done with it. Though; even today when I see a kid I smile and brush their hairs or give them chocolates. I've learnt from my mother that never harden on yourself because if you can't be with self noone else will want to be with you. I am not my mother's kind self loving but a little and so the ego stays. I don't let anyone tell me that I'm behaving like a loser and my typical dialogue be "there's nothing like that" but deep beneath I know they all are saying the truth. I sure am behaving like a loser for a past few days and that just don't happen to me. This article even is not written with all my heart this is just a piece of my mind that's yelling to death and trying to get it out and just forget about it. I want peace and that's not coming unless this burden of loneliness goes right out my heart. Sometimes when I feel like vacating this place this life the only thing then there in my mind is , will those people who are waiting for me survive after am gone? will they still have someone to make them smile? will they still be happy? will someone still tell them crazy things they might laugh out to? and will someone take my place? My heart says "might be". I have a end to that god has planned for me although I don't really like anything that he planned so far but one thing that I planned my life for myself and whatever path I chose out of compromises or no compromise it was still my decision at the end of the day to do it and noone has anything to do with it I just hope I am not being taken for granted throughout my life and I feel terrible pain at the rate of my heart and my pulse don't happen to be happy and I'm suffocating into a pit called depression.. I am sorry life for dragging you so much but I can't outrun the responsibilities that I have. And that's why my darkness in my life brings along light and the light of my life is tagged with darkness still I accept it for the sake that life is not everyday's tale and who knows tomorrow I might not have one. I bear no hard feelings for noone throughout and am just guilty myself of knowing so many people who might get hurt when I die. I will wish it goes delayed but I still wish to see how it ends.. will it be an accident ? cancer or heart attack? am ready to fight another war with the creator of life. Oops I didn't mean any hard feelings for the one who is watching everything infact I love you to death my friend my god. I just am too excited to meet you soon.. do you hear? and thus even losing to you won't make me sad, but this mother I have, that brother I need, that love of my life... I might not get another like them again so forgive me if I keep you waiting but keep in mind you are where I wanna be you are where I ought to be You are god whom I love above all. and this dark side of my life that you've tagged along with light I hope it doesn't last as I am dying to fast with it. Mercy.