One thing at a time and then all of it together. Things moved quick, just ask a 90's kid. From watching the romance on screen and hoping for love to swiping left and right on an app, hoping the same. We all thought we had friends, right until we had none. Families stayed, just moved stages, from parents to in-laws and then to the kids. And while it all happened, we forgot a lot. We missed a lot. We evolved a lot. That evolution itself is a loss. Why? Because, today, we all stand in a pandemic and we are calling it 'the new normal'. But seriously though, is this all normal? Remind me again, what 'Life is beautiful' means? I am asking because I was told this over and over again back in school and I am not exactly old if you are going to smirk. Lets face it, its really not. On this day, show of hands, how many of you are self aware enough to know what they are going to tell their kids on a positive note? What happened? I see only two hands, where are the rests? Probably, not caring enough. See? The irony is, we were all betrayed in one way or the other, long before the pandemic. How else are we so experienced to face it? All the bright shiny thoughts on positivity are trying real hard to get inside of the brains but you see, dark always stays longer and stronger than the rest. Why though? Because we let it. 

Tonight, I have nothing encouraging to tell you guys, just hold on. Maybe, it will all work out and then maybe, just maybe, we will all have a story to tell our kids. Until then, don't go gentle into this good night. 

Depression, I swear, It chalks the best out of you, also the worst yeah, but the best, too. 

- Antara

 2021.

I assume, When a title of almost anything starts with this, It instantly gives us a cold shiver down our spines into our hearts and through our guts. But of course, It has been a scare. Each one of us remembers this year as the worst thing they had imagined, coming true, one after the other. A card fell in 2020 and by 2021 all of them were down. Nothing so far has been as traumatic as this, I reckon. We have had countless sleepless nights and we prayed harder even though we had been an atheist before this. In 2020, we hoped it would all end soon and it somewhere did but then again, It rose. It punished us for our carelessness, woke us up and we never slept again the same way. For some, the wounds will last a lifetime. For some, They will never believe. For most, They don't ever want to be in the same year again and for all of us, We stood closer together than ever before, The lesson taught was learnt and how! Oh man, As we will sit down to tell the coming generation about this, We will be gasping for breath, sighing a lot and probably stop telling the story in the middle of everything just because, It won't be that easy, ever. I wonder, are we glad this is over? Or are we more scared of what more could be in the store ahead? Maybe both? A loss is a loss, no matter how small, someone said and all my senses came afloat bleeding and aching and yearning. For many, it's the same and for many, it's even harder. Has this softened us? Or made us stronger? Or doubtful? Or full of hope? Hard to guess. I really dont say, bring it on! I say, Oh! Come on, give me a break! Maybe you do too? The tears have been so often shed that the eyes have dried, They no longer ache the way it would. Nothing hurts! Nothing! Is it scary or what? Fortunate, So fortunate are those who can still feel but also, fortunate are those who don't. Luckily, somehow, we are all fortunate to have survived this year. This 2021. I say, We smile just as hard as we have cried. For the last time as it very well ends, I say, BRING IT ON! With this, I pray hope, This is a Happy New Year. God bless you all! :) 

Love and Love and Courage and Light and some more LOVE.

• Antara

Women

Friday, 20^th June 20, 2014

 

The real journey becomes when a girl turns into a woman and that is where she has a life ending at everything she does. When I was a little girl I was always asked to pursue higher dreams and to make them come true but the other day when I turned 18, suddenly I was asked to hold back every dream and for the sake of other’s happiness. Today a girl is born on a barrier that come a day she will become the reason of dependency for everyone, her kids her family her husband’s family, to the society and even more so to the strangers. Every foot that she picks up calls for decency, however inappropriate the road might get she is supposed to remain dumb silence. While a tear drops from the corner of her eyes when she is screaming in the last hour of her pregnancy, the question set running in her mind thereon is “my mother in law wants a boy”. A woman never defends her reasons or her cause, the strength she has got is the greatest of all and yet all that strength is abide by her responsibilities towards the several lot and thereafter even though this is the peak of generation where all is sarcastic and bold, yet women however are still the same kind of scared because when we are born we are told that we got to maintain our image, think before we speak, talk less and work more. This fragment of mind that runs around with all set of men educated or not, they do not respect women at the end of the day they are talking the crap they do. 

What the hell is ever so wrong with a female having a lot of male friends or a wish to be free or even wearing the set of clothes she is comfortable in, why is she judged on the basis of her body parts rather than the kind of woman she is, why is she getting a job because she is good in bed or most importantly why the hell is she being tortured because she has dreams to pursue? Why is she a drama queen if she tells you all she feels? Yes a girl cries a lot and seeks a shoulder every now and then, which is obviously because she mentally and physically suffers more. Agreed men run the home after wedding but only financially the rest is done by women and how do you least agree about that? All the lame jokes out there everywhere of how a married man is trapped with his wife, let’s look cautiously who is trapped more? Your mother sets all the targets for her like her boss at her workplace and both ways she works like a mad cow and even if she doesn’t raising a kid is no joke, low that you don’t get it. Obviously lame of you that you cant love your wife because she is fat and she complains about things but how could you not love her for what she has done to your house your kids or even your family. For 25years she maintains herself for the sake of her womanhood and she gives away all that she has learnt to make the home that you need and then you go to work and joke about that one person who has left aside her whole life to make up with you, so what if she takes hours to look beautiful in front of mirror how do you overlook the fact that the same face and hands get dried and dead to wash your clothes and clean your kitchen. If women joked about men, there will actually be a joke at how incomplete men are without women. Could you laugh at that? Hell no! You can’t, takes a lot to do that. You must have done something good to deserve the woman who forgives you and loves you in spite of whatever you do. If you cannot pay her the attention then she is better than best yet without yourself.  Be careful even the worst kind of women has the best in her, she can always turn a bad man into good, she is a mother she can turn around the world but in return all she seeks is respect and a little love. To all you women, do you know? Some clever man once said “the stupidity is you seek to walk shoulder with men when the fact is you are above them”, you realize it today, the sooner the better. A girl child is a hope, a hope that life is still with us and those who kill it are better off without any child at all. Daily there is a crime against women, and the understatement of the year that women are weak they should worry about their safety and not walk down the road in the dark or wear the inappropriate clothes or make male friends or dance in public places or even laugh or talk a lot, but have you noticed? The girls who have been raped, killed or burnt down with acid were actually the decent ones who maintained all the criteria set for a girl and their only plea for survival was “don’t hurt me”. That is not being weak that is actually being strong, for it takes some real guts to want to live after whatever injustice has been done against you. The stupid men came blabbering about how a woman cannot reproduce without men, dear men how the hell will you be ever there without women? Most men who love and respect their women have the best with them, the rest are just cracking lame jokes and laughing about it. PITY. Know your women, mother daughter sister wife, know her needs and her dreams and you will know she is all about you and your happiness, this deserves to be one happy world let’s try and make it one.

Speak little girl don’t hold your heart for the sake that you are told so.

Antara Biswas

Confusion of the Solution.

I have stopped writing stuffs for a while because I promised myself happiness somehow I always pick up a pen or open MS WORD unofficially only when it gets darn uneasy and there are no ears for my cry. I have come too far to hate my life and I am too addicted to the type it is so never mind. Lately, I met people and I happened to have redefined joy. Joy is just a word its the people that make it real. I hate the world like lonely and I hate it even more when its me who is it. Right now, I wish I had a robot toy who could see the state of my mind and understand the reason why its messed up. I am tired of talking to myself. Life has been so rainbow-like recently and  by rainbow I mean so many faces it has and its people well I may be a poor observer at that because I hardly understand how can one single person change with every situation, the generation today and the generation passed call it kalyug and for the sake of that they say anything can happen. I personally think its upto u what can happen in your life and no generation can undo what you want to do so let apart the thoughts that are bookish right now I could really use a smile. At work it gets kind of uneasy to look at people in pain and then also it hurts to look people have so much and us nothing. The struggle, man its got because its everywhere and with everyone. I have not met a single human as such who feels happy about all and all. So, there comes a turn in your life that your friends leave the road that you are on because some other road fancy them and they think that we are wrong just because it is not what they wished for and then again your family becomes tensed about you walking alone they want you safe that is a bit obvious really sweet of them but that forbids you from doing anything that you want to. I am not scared of anything today because of these people that I have but somehow they hold my hand too hard for their care is greater than my struggle. I do not wish to hurt them and I have no idea how to do it without them because if I don't let go of them there wont be anymore stepping ahead all of it gonna ice up and be rigidly paused. Right now at this moment I remember movies I envy how simple and great life seems there, have the director ever thought that life isn't as simple as that? It's beautifully horrible. Imagine a nightmare that scares you to death but you wish to see it still. In spite all the things that go wrong some other things come up and heal the pain but the memories just don't seem to fade they hurt you time to time and here again I am haunted, haunted by those memories and ouch! loneliness is taking its revenge see.! Its hurting me.

I smiled & it echoed; I cried , never mind.

Those who have read my previous article will surely consider me a pessimist full of sadness writer because the fact that I only write when I am down and I don't have anyone to talk to. Today, also happens to be one of the days i would call "I hate my life day". I don't love myself so today I feel like drive fast and get hit; get hit so bad that I never recover. I love my family, I love the man I love, I love everything trust me and I don't care of ho.w they are, as long as I am here I love them irrespective of whatsoever but today happens to be a disaster. I so want to be alone I wish I could just drive upto some place and never be found. I am badly missing something or rather someone am confused. I told my brother I miss him, but is it really him? I just dont know. I could really use a company who could just understand... not just listen for the sake of it and end up telling me "everything is going to be ok!" because dude! Its not. I don't have no trouble with you know the rusted part of life I can survive I can fight I can as long as I wish., But I can't do it alone anymore. I deactivated my facebook and just yesterday I reactivated it back hoping that I might feel good get a company or two. I play swapples all day long when I am not working or not sleeping and thats my 24 hours, yes hard to believe but that is just how it is. Every night I tell myself, I am getting fat I need to lose weight maintain my fitness and decide to wake up early but that dont happen anyways. I have so lost touch with dedication it scares me. Just yesterday my best friend said to me, "Antara, I think you are lost. You have no idea what you want. Anyone comes and hit u hard, you get up and continue walking. Its time you grow up and be mature." I thought a lot's about it, I mean a really lot. I cried myself to sleep for past few days and nobody knows about it except me. I am not happy with my job, a bit obvious they only end up taking advantage of me even there. When they don't want to work or feel lazy, I am always happy to help so in the end am the one with severe body and head ache but still working. My fingers shiver and my palms hurt a lot, I have lost my sleep, appetite and the jolly mood I hate and to hell with my lifestyle its a mess. I worry a lot for whatsoever reason I dont know. It hurts me to see my granma really weak I try to do things for her but my heart tells me "Whats the use now!". And then it hurts, It hurts bad. I miss talking to my mother, She is one person in the whole wide world who can really show me a way, I always listen to her. She is the one I never deny of anything. Where are you mumma I miss you. I pathetically do. Right now at this moment I was to break all the chains the holds the grabs on me that I had for my entire life and seek solace, get lost in a wildlife sanctuary and get eaten by a beast with no parts of my remaining found. I am sick. I have lost the part of me who got the strength to get over. I am tired of being left alone when I could really use a company. I am tired of loving and not being loved back. I am tired of expecting and never having it. I have never cared of what I get though. I know if my people read this they are going to be hurt like hell, they will hate me for saying all of it because it is not accepted on my part.. but I had to do something about it. So I did. And now I want to go, go really away. Amen, may my things and people always be safe untouched of whatsoever haunt them. May they always be happy with or without me, For I will always love them now and always. I need to be alone. So long.

That little happiness called Life

I'm pretty much an ultra emotional person and my heart gets melting too soon. I trust people easily and I let dem do me wrong my family is too proctective for me and my friends care like anything.. When am out late I get 15+ fluent msgs and numerous calls on my cellfone of which 10 are of my mom and rest of my best friend. Last time that I have known what its meant to be have a tough time was when I was 18yrs old. I am 22 now and all I know is how to be stupid and smile even if someone calls u horrible things behind ur back. I understand dey might be backbiting but I chose dem in my life thats my fault and aint there's. I am bad with making choices but there are some things I've chosed in my life that I am never going to regret. My best friend, the person I m in love with, My family, My mother (although later two aint my choice but they sure are mine). So I've been a little girl for longer than I have known, I must be the eldest sister in d house and they take care of me as am being the youngest. They never gave me a chance to grow up and I never felt the need. I work in state bank of india I earn myself but still it all looks unbeleivable to the world and they end up asking me "how do you handle?". I just laugh. When people start putting their faith in you, you get responsible yourself and I think thats what help me sort out everything. The joy of my life has been in those few people who have kept me like a princess. I started writting this blog because I'm hurt, No its not anyone's fault. I am beaten by how much I will lose if I lose anyone of my people, I have always been taken care of in such a way by each one of them that even being professionaly dependent and secure am totally dependent on them. Even though I've my own life now I can't walk out on them and I can't do what my heart asks me to, I want to do what I am told and purposefully. Its good feeling to see them happy, Its the greatest feeling there is and I wouldn,t want to lose that. I want to tell you a little secret: I am a horrible person inside, I have a cute face but I envy, I get jealous, I have my greed, I am short tempered, I dont think before I speak, I have hurted people who most love me, I have hurted my friends, I let things go when I shouldn't have. I am alone in the home today and when I look around at the house my heart tells me.. My! this home used to be heaven in dose days. Such a big house and so empty. I really wish I could take all that back, but a slip in knot ends up causing death. At this moment I am ready to be scolded but I know when they will scold me I will feel bad about it again. This is pathetic of how someone can be something at a moment and entirely different other moment. You want to know about this girl in my life? Shes the strong girl of mine and shes what on my mind, I have seen things taking corners in front of her. that strong. Shes weak today and I am helpless. I dont get at times what to say.. I am luckless these days. for a few days.. a vacation from happiness. A vacation from life. A vacation to being lonely, away from everyone. But I promise I will be back. By your side Always there.

Whistle me a song;

I have been having the most hollow nights.. Been down with fever for last four days.. and right now I might b at my most sentimental phase.. forgive me!

Tell me exactly why it happens that the person who might most understand u and u think they are ur world and they are for-ever.. just another moment they are the people who least understand u. Oh! I blame noone. God knows I love y'all but I have been lonely for quite sometime now and I don't know which way should I head trust me even the directions doesnt help.

I have loved my work and I don't mind being absorbed into something that keeps u out f the boredom but lately I haven't been much into in , me or my body don't know but I am really weak.. Both at heart and mind i never considered dem apart anyways.. Everyday I feel so at peace when I see my mom trust me it helps like never ever. It strengthns me up to have her in front of my eyes coz I know I have been down. I cnt tell her whats wrong I know she would feel bad abt not being able to help me and I never want her to feel that way. Its been rainning for a while now.. I dont hate rains.. but its really rainning cats and dogs.

I might like some coffee I might like some company.. will you mind having coffee with me? I dont find my friends, I dont find my family, I dnt find the one I love.. Will u for a moment join me? Ofcourse u will and then tommrrw I might feel u are my best friend and again u might leave me for you want space. Amazing how the world recycles. Whatever.

Its embrassing but my friendship day was really lonesome... We went shopping that was the gud part, bought clothes and all star and blackberry fr my brother.. that moment was happiness but next moment when I was on that sofa facebooking I thought "am i not supposed to be out wid my only retards?" . you know what my mind said then.. "Yes, but noone bothers." 

That's life and the tragedy its brings tagged along with the best part it has. It was a pleasure to see one of my best friends sterday, he sure seemed not him but it was pretty moment to have him there just talking to him for after like a month? What? A month.. really? I cnt believe it. 

Someone out there ought to know that I am very very very very lonely without them and all I want them to do is just talk.. talk to me.. I miss you ! why i need dis goddamn words to tell u dont u simply understand? how is it so hard? you have known me fr yrs in my best and my worst and today just why i shud write dis goddamn blog?

Hell yeah ! i am possesive I dnt like to share you and i completely understand that aint right and thats exactly what keeps me ultra quite. I get hurt but atleast u seem fine..

but dont make me do dis for long i might lose it. I aint strong just dont expect me to be... recover yourself and be back.

to the one I love and to my best friends.. to my family and to my cousins.

I love you to death.. and after. too sentimental i understand.. but this is it.